I see her in the distance waiting to embrace me but I walk slow not really wanting to meet her. She looks just like me, she moves just like me in fact she is me.
My Maiden years passed me without a thought and as I arrived at my mother years I felt exactly right, where I belong but now that those years are quickly passing I am left wondering what's next? We made a decision not to have anymore children and this is now out of my control and I must accept it but it feels painful deep in my heart I would love to feel the stir of new life again.
Who will I be, what will I do? The only thing I am any good at is being a Mother, it really is the only thing I do. My only real important thoughts revolve around my children so when I'm not doing that what will I do??
I don't want a career in business, I don't want to live out my last chapter working in retail. I want to be creative, I want to be a spiritual being, I don't want the treadmill. I feel this so deeply that and I can't even explain this to my most beloved, he wouldn't understand. I do have him though and he gives me strength. We have grown up together but this presents it's own problems in that we move together but on slightly different paths.
This all sounds too dramatic seeing as I'm only 37 but it just starting gnawing at the back of my mind, just sowing it's first little seeds and I want to feel prepared. I have a need to know where I am going, to know there is light and not just decaying darkness.
This post sounds like I'm depressed, I'm really not I love my life and my family. I just feel the page being lifted ready to turn to a new chapter and I'm scared.
These questions may present themselves to all women at this point, maybe I'm coming to this a little early? I don't know but it certainly is food for thought.