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Gently raising 3 girls to be joyful spirits in this challenging world.

Friday 24 December 2010

Fear of the Crone


I see her in the distance waiting to embrace me but I walk slow not really wanting to meet her. She looks just like me, she moves just like me in fact she is me.

My Maiden years passed me without a thought and as I arrived at my mother years I felt exactly right, where I belong but now that those years are quickly passing I am left wondering what's next? We made a decision not to have anymore children and this is now out of my control and I must accept it but it feels painful deep in my heart I would love to feel the stir of new life again.

Who will I be, what will I do? The only thing I am any good at is being a Mother, it really is the only thing I do. My only real important thoughts revolve around my children so when I'm not doing that what will I do??

I don't want a career in business, I don't want to live out my last chapter working in retail. I want to be creative, I want to be a spiritual being, I don't want the treadmill. I feel this so deeply that and I can't even explain this to my most beloved, he wouldn't understand. I do have him though and he gives me strength. We have grown up together but this presents it's own problems in that we move together but on slightly different paths.

This all sounds too dramatic seeing as I'm only 37 but it just starting gnawing at the back of my mind, just sowing it's first little seeds and I want to feel prepared. I have a need to know where I am going, to know there is light and not just decaying darkness.

This post sounds like I'm depressed, I'm really not I love my life and my family. I just feel the page being lifted ready to turn to a new chapter and I'm scared.

These questions may present themselves to all women at this point, maybe I'm coming to this a little early? I don't know but it certainly is food for thought.


2 comments:

  1. Oh Amanda, can you remember me blogging about this several months back? I do know what you are saying, for me, being a mum is all I've ever wanted to be and yes, I know that I will always be a mum, even if my children have grown up, but it's a different kind of mothering isn't it, although just as important, it's not as all-consuming as when they are little. I've been at this stage many times, looked out into the unknown and believed it to be a turning point and then we've decided to have 'one last baby' because I suppose that's what we know and recognise. This just postpones the inevitable though and as you say, I don't have any great career plans, I'm not itching to put the childhood years behind me so I can dash out in a power suit each morning, I'll never have a job as important and all-consuming as the one I have now, it would be like going backwards if I was to go back to my old job in a few years time!! So I believe that whatever we do once the children have grown older and need me to be around less, it will have to be something fantastic and creative and something that gives me as much of a kick as motherhood does and that's a tricky job to find, but it IS out there.

    All I can say, is what you must already know. That you aren't all washed up at 37 and that there WILL be something that grabs your interest. You've obviously thrown your heart into being a lovely mum, that creativity and spark doesn't just fizzle out, it will touch onto something else, but right now, you don't know what it is and that's what's scary.

    This is a dark and introspective time of year I reckon. You're no crone, you're a lovely mum with heaps and heaps of knowledge and experience behind you. Let these dreary, cold days pass and keep your mind open for things that take your interest. Even little things can lead to big ideas.

    I'm probably rambling, it's hard for a bear of little brain to put it into words, but I do know where you are coming from and I too can see that fat question mark hanging over the horizion, asking me "what now then?" Sending lots of love to your and your lovely family. xxxxxxxxxxx

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  2. Don't fear Her, Amanda, She is part of you. Embrace her and she will look after you.
    Many blessing for the new Year. xxx

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