Fear of the Crone

I see her in the distance waiting to embrace me but I walk slow not really wanting to meet her. She looks just like me, she moves just like me in fact she is me.

My Maiden years passed me without a thought and as I arrived at my mother years I felt exactly right, where I belong but now that those years are quickly passing I am left wondering what's next? We made a decision not to have anymore children and this is now out of my control and I must accept it but it feels painful deep in my heart I would love to feel the stir of new life again.

Who will I be, what will I do? The only thing I am any good at is being a Mother, it really is the only thing I do. My only real important thoughts revolve around my children so when I'm not doing that what will I do??

I don't want a career in business, I don't want to live out my last chapter working in retail. I want to be creative, I want to be a spiritual being, I don't want the treadmill. I feel this so deeply that and I can't even explain this to my most beloved, he wouldn't understand. I do have him though and he gives me strength. We have grown up together but this presents it's own problems in that we move together but on slightly different paths.

This all sounds too dramatic seeing as I'm only 37 but it just starting gnawing at the back of my mind, just sowing it's first little seeds and I want to feel prepared. I have a need to know where I am going, to know there is light and not just decaying darkness.

This post sounds like I'm depressed, I'm really not I love my life and my family. I just feel the page being lifted ready to turn to a new chapter and I'm scared.

These questions may present themselves to all women at this point, maybe I'm coming to this a little early? I don't know but it certainly is food for thought.

Happy Birthday Alice!

This girl is 15 today...... 15!

I remember this day 15 years ago like it was yesterday. Technically at the point of writing she wasn't actually born but I remember clearly the first moment I saw her and the moment when I fell in love with this amazing girl!

Every day she supports me, surprises me, makes me laugh and most of all makes me proud. I wish I had her emotional intelligence at her tender age, she is so strong and sure of what's right.

So Happy Birthday my beautiful daughter I love you more every day.

Solstice celebrations

We marked the Winter Solstice just as I wanted in a quiet, peaceful and reflective way. The girls and I got up at dawn and lit a small fire in the garden which was a magical way to start our day. The rest of the day was spent pottering around, walking Indy and preparing a lovely meal for the evening.

Once Paul got home we all enjoyed a meal and then headed outside to light another fire. There is a real magic in fire and I'm so happy that the girls feel it as I do.

Then it was on to burning out huge Yule log. In the forest it really didn't look that big but in our little fireplace it seemed enormous. The girls really enjoyed watching their hopes for the new year fizzling up the chimney and I feel that it marked the day in a thoughtful way for them.

Winter Solstice

So here we are with the last few days before the wheels turns anew.

Standing in the circle

Beneath the web of light

Dancing in the moonlight

On a cold New Years Night

And it seemed that we were lifted

Flown across the years

Power-circled shifted, by power-circle seers

And the Goddess abd John Barleycorn

Will put flesh upon the bones

Fly ribbons round the barrows

Plant food prints round the stones

The Goddess and John Barleycorn

Will keep the spirit strong

For those who remember

For those that sing the song

So stand in the circle, weave the web of light

Dance in the moonlight

Bring fire to the night

Release the past that made us

Release the fire within

Revel in the mystery

And embrace your

Sacred kin

by Brian Boothby

We have been to search for our yule log and a beauty called to us. It lay beneath a beautiful tree so we asked if we could have it. The girls and I took it in turn to ask the question and Iz sealed it with a kiss!

We decorated our log with hopes and resolutions for the new year and also with things we would like to let go of. We'll burn the log tomorrow after a special meal. I know this time of the year is a time to be social but for us it really is a time to hunker down together and just enjoy each others company and to be still and plan for the year ahead. This is a time of year that I truly feel in my bones. I feel the last turns of the great wheel and the prickle of excitement at the beginning of this new year is tangible.

I will be filling in the 2011 tab soon with all my wishes and hopes for this year - there are many!

We've also been tree decorating for for the 21st.

How unimpressed Indy looks with her tinsel collar!!

Strange breakfast!

We had these for breakfast today. They are vegan wholewheat spelt onion and carrot scones of my own invention. Sounds a bit odd but they were really delicious and has spurred me on to try out all sorts of variations as they're so easy to make and very portable.

Scruffy

Had to share this picture of Indy looking very scruffy. I came down in the night to find her sleeping on the sofa, naughty, but she looked so cute I didn't have the heart to mover her!

Winter colours

We took Indy for an afternoon walk in the winter sunshine. The colours of the trees look amazing with the light behind them. Here are just a few to share.

It's days like these that we need to breathe deeply and gives thanks for all the good things we have and to let go of the bad stuff. When we have beauty like this around us life has to be good - right?

New pr♥ject, just because..

Just wanted to share a little on off project I've started. There's a lot of crochet going on in this house at the moment with Christmas coming but sometimes you just have to do a little something for yourself. The girls have all been helping by adding in squares every now and then so it really is a l♥ve blanket.♥♥♥

A festive mantle

We have allowed ourselves to feel just a little festive today. I'm not a big fan of starting Christmas too early but I think the 1st December is ok to start with a little bit of seasonal lighting. It's been so cold today that the fire has been lit since the mid afternoon.

As I type this Paul is stuck on a snowy train station waiting for a train that may never come. Hope you're home soon my love!

This album

I think I blogged about this album before when it first came out but I recently started listening to it again. I really can't express how special it is. I thought about picking out my favourites but I quite literally couldn't decide. As each song starts I think..... oh no this must be my favourite and then of course the next is just as good.

I urge you to give it a listen in the evening preferably with candles and an open fire and just immerse yourself in it's magic. Let it wash over you and leave it's specialness in you heart.

Bat for Lashes

Sleep Alone from Bat for Lashes on Vimeo.

Prescilla from Bat for Lashes on Vimeo.

Custom top

Found this top in a charity shop and really liked the pattern but it was far too big all over. So I took it up and in and added some bits. Wearing it today and it feels pretty good :o)

Snow

Winter is here! We woke to a light dusting of snow and it's got steadily heavier as the days' progressed.

We had to run a few errands which the girls are all the more likely to help me with if there's snow around ;o)

Our girl

Did I mention how much she loves this weather! Happiest dog in the world :o)

Hiberbation

Like the animals in the forest I have been feeling the call of the winter hibernation. As the seasons ticks over to winter I have a hard to resist urge to stay within my home with my family close.

I think that others find this annoying and strange of me but it is not something have any control over. I don't need to see other people in fact the only need I really have is for nourishing food and a blazing fire. Can anyone relate to this feeling?

We have change going on here as Paul is due to start a new job on Monday that will be very challenging and no doubt stressful for him as he readjusts. Even more reason for me to be here and to keep the home fires burning so that things can be as comfortable as possible when he returns home.

So the question is, is it ok to just drop out of sight over this period? I don't want to antisocial but really sometimes I wonder about doing more for others than for ourselves. In December we have books clubs, art classes and tutor groups booked, all of which we absolutely love but it really is a struggle to get there. Last week we made a decision not to go a Autumn Fair at our tutor group and the reaction from others was that we were being somehow selfish for not going, which to be honest was my first feeling. Now that I look back though I have to question why others should have those feelings?

Sorry to ramble but this strikes every year and I would be interested to hear if others have this Moomin Mama effect?

The Ministry of Stories

I want to go here.

How fantastic does this place look?? Can you imagine being a young person walking through the secret door into a world where storytellers share their wisdom!

Source

New commision

Alice is working a beautiful blanket for a lady who has a son with eczema so needed the blanket to be made in cotton. Just wanted to show off the halfway stage. She such a talented soul.

Inspiration from the telly!

Recently we have been watching Downton Abbey. Now it's not often that we all sit down to watch something and are ALL hooked but I have to say that we loved this series. It is shot beautifully, the attention to detail is amazing and the acting superb.

It has also inspired our learning and have been researching the Edwardians. We trotted off to the library yesterday in search of books but sadly the Edwardians seem to fall foul to that National Curriculum and there seems to be hardly anything available to children about this era :o( We found a few books on the First World War and one on Edwardian dress but it seems very difficult to find more.

Looking into the era has inspired us to establish afternoon tea though and we've dug out my old tea set that belonged to my Great Aunt Lily. Yesterday we had sponge cake and fruity scones and today I think cheesey scone might be the order of the day. It's great when you have that afternoon dip and stop the children asking for snacks before dinner.

Crochet

This is our table at the moment. Alice is working hard on commissions she has to finish but I seem to have hit a plateau and am feeling really frustrated about my inability to follow a pattern!!

Art

The two older girls have started an art course that will progress into a Cambridge IGCSE. This is what they've come up with for their first attempt at still life. I've been blown away by what a difference it's made having an artist show you how to take measurements with your thumb!